65

Had a chat with Charles, the music professor, yesterday. I'm considering switching majors. It would be extremely stressful, at least for next semester, and I'm wondering if it's worth it. As it stands, I have three options: come back with an English major and music minor (what I'm currently in), come back with a music major and an English minor, or don't come back at all. If I want to keep all these options open, I have to take certain classes next semester. I'll be keeping my Englishes, as well as tonal harmony and aural skills. I will also need to add music history, choir, and probably an applied music. And I would have to drop the philosophy and theology classes that I'm currently registered for. So my credits are getting close to my credit limit:

Canadian Lit: 3

other English: 3

Harmony: 3

Aural skills: 1.5

music history: 3

choir: 2

applied music: 1.5

= 17 total, with a credit limit of 17.9. Which means an insane amount of homework and practicing and a ton of commitment to the program or I will never get through it.

I also want to go on the Honduras water project this year. I have to talk to Justine to get a better idea of what is involved in going, but if I can swing it I absolutely want to go.

In a way, I feel as though having talked to Charles and figured out a bit of that music stuff, I've gotten some direction and I feel a lot more confident about next semester...but I also feel worried that I can't handle it. I also have to audition for my applied music so they can determine if I am proficient enough to take lessons for credit...which I have to do whether I plan on majoring or minoring in music. That's a whole ton of stress for someone who doesn't like playing for people who know nothing of music, much less accomplished musicians. It's like singing for Melanie - of all my professors she is the one instructor I respect and whose opinion I value most. She's also an amazing singer so auditioning for a solo was beyond stressful - compared to her, I probably sound like nails rattling around in a tin can. Auditioning for my applied music is going to feel like that.

Anyway, the best I can do for now is prepare and focus on school and life right now. Hopefully this all goes well.

Listening to: Mr Pitiful by Matt Costa

60

I'm pretty much nocturnal these days. I'm going to bed in ten minutes and I think that's the first time in at least a week and a half that I'm going to sleep before 2.

But since I'm up anyway, I'll blog for a minute about life.

I've got three main problems going on here these days, one of them being a huge struggle with faith and knowing God (which I think is a paradox) and it's really taking over pretty much everything. But today is monumental in that I'm pretty sure I won't be up until all hours of the night wrestling with it. This may have something to do with the fact that 1) I actually did some of my theology reading tonight and 2) I had an interesting conversation with a friend (via text...go figure). I'm currently in the middle of Luther going into great detail about one issue and it's funny because Erik was telling me pretty well the same thing (in a more concise way...). It's just good to know that at least some people are on the same page as me.

In other news, we moved Al's bed to the living room when she was in Lacombe yesterday, and moved the couch and fish and end table into her room. Definitely the cosiest look for our living room. Heather and I are apparently super good at coming up with pranks.

I also received a letter the other day, which pretty much made my day. I forgot how exciting that is =P I will try to send more letters out to people in the next little while - I have definitely gotten out of the habit of writing.

Speaking of, I find writing is a really good way to pray. It helps keep me focused and the really good thing about writing is that even if you don't know how to say what you're trying to say, if you keep on writing you will eventually say it. I'm gonna need to get a new journal though.

And last, I'm meeting with Dr Stolte, the "professor of music" (which I am pretty sure just means he's the head of the department), on Wednesday morning to figure out some courses for next semester. I'm definitely considering changing to a music major if I come back next year.

So I guess that's life. As always, missing home. And yet I know that when I leave, I'll be texting friends all the time.

PS I think I'm going to start recommending songs...not every post, but whenever I feel like I've got a good song...which happens pretty often. Here's the first one:

Song recommendation of the day: Hands Down by Dashboard Confessional*

*I have a different version on my itunes which is probably my favourite but this one is pretty good too

46

Dear strepthroat/tonsillitis common virus,

I am angry with you. This morning, you made it impossible for me to eat anything other than yogurt. You woke me up at 12:30 (half an hour after I'd gone to bed) and 8:00 (an hour and a half before I'd planned on getting up). This on a night when I particularly needed sleep. Thanks to you, my throat looks all swollen and red and lumpy.

I don't want to walk 20 minutes to Capilano and wait there for an hour and a half just to get a prescription, but you are forcing me to. And, you are killing my voice. So I would appreciate it a lot if you could just go on your merry way and attack other people's throats instead. Thanks.

Yours,

Allison

44

It breaks my heart.

43

okay so I think I might be losing track of the days but I'm pretty sure today is my 43rd day in Edmonton.

Last night was such a blast. And now we have connections.

Plus, we went to west ed today and I bought a new sweater (spent a fair amount of money on it but it's good quality, won't shrink, and I LOVE it), some tea, and a couple of shirts. It's nice to know that I only got a couple of good quality things instead of always looking for deals and spending more anyway.

On the downside, my phone is out of commission for a while. The battery is expanding so I need to get it replaced, and I couldn't find a new one in West Ed so I think I might have to order one online or something...maybe bus to somewhere nearer to King's. Anyway, it's a just a big pain in the ass. The telus guy told me to stop using it unless I need to because it's not good for the phone...

40

spiritual dryness.

this lack of desire.

It's not that I don't believe in God. It's not that I doubt his existence or think he's not there. I just suddenly can't find him.

And the thing is, it upsets me so much.

I've got a friend who is questioning her relationship with her boyfriend. If it's going anywhere, should she end it, and how much it's going to hurt him. It's on her mind all the time. That's how I feel with God these days - it is always on my mind. Particularly because I go to a Christian school and I am surrounded by Christians all the time. The school has a million ministries and organizations like King's Hands, the prison ministry, MASS, and so on. they have chapel every Wednesday at 12 and 937 every Wednesday night. I am in a theology class this semester that I attend every other day. Even if I wanted to forget about it and pretend I was happy and spiritually fulfilled, it would be impossible.

The only encouraging thing to me is that I am so upset about it. When I've gone through this in the past, I've had a tendency to pretend it's not happening and be happy and cheerful and friendly and all those things. I never cared very much. And I'm pretty sure that when you don't want to be with somebody, and you don't care when you don't see them, and you are happy enough without ever speaking to them, your relationship isn't very healthy.

This is different.

It sucks.

33/34

So I poured hot bacon fat on my fingers today.

But I am heading home tomorrow morning so it really doesn't matter! Leaving in five and a half hours!