=)

I can't believe that I complain so much when I blog. Granted, I've only posted two of those awful ones, but they're so long it's disgusting. Here I am with WAY more to be thankful for and I sit here complaining about dumb friends and family and my period and dropping spring rolls and whatever else on my bed. -I'm home -I get to argue with my family -I get to watch csi/criminal minds with my dad -I get to go to Red Robin's for "youth reunions" that turn into "Allison, Michelle, and Alida have dinner" -I get to see AMAZING friends -I get to make cakes for my sister's birthday party and accidentally get them stuck in the dish -I get to sleep in my own (uncomfortable...) bed for two and a half glorious weeks (only 1 remaining...) -I have an 11-month-old, ADORABLE nephew (http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=263173479815&ref=mf) -I have no homework all break -I have awesome music -I have a laptop -I have chocolate -I have jolly ranchers -I have my blanket and my Big Dog. Haha. -I have too many good books -I have an awesome family. Holy man. I did NOT appreciate them much before. -Mmmm till next time.

I am so sick of this shit. It's Christmas Day (well, technically not anymore but whatever) and I'm SUCH a grump and our Christmas dinner was lacking about 11 or 12 people (on the Breedveld side, that's almost half of us). So it doesn't feel like Christmas. Not yet anyway. And in the meantime I have to deal with family and friends who don't plan. Abby, Bekah, Emily, Fidelia, Lindsay - planning with them is so easy! Everybody gets involved, we figure out what we wanna do, and if it doesn't work out and we end up with awkward moments, who cares?! Others, on the other hand...honestly, if you actually give a shit about getting together, please act like it. At least TRY to help me plan something, rather than give halfhearted, vague responses every couple of weeks. Like HELLO I'm only here for like two weeks. I'm so sick of initiating everything. Even with Steph it's like, "Hey, let's hang out. How's the 23rd? Yeah that's good. Sweet let's do it!" and even though we didn't actually follow through with those plans, at least we communicated about it and didn't just pass by the date and completely ignore that we ever made plans. I honestly gave up on tons of other plans because I'm so sick of trying to get to people. I don't want to hang out with people if they don't want to put in the effort to hang out with me. I'd much rather spend time with Abby, Emily, and Fidelia again (hehe, so excited) than waste a day pretending I have something to do. AND then my extended family. Geez. I take partial responsibility for that one because I suppose I COULD have sent out an email/facebook message about it. Having been in Edmonton and studying for exams until 1 week ago, though, I don't feel that bad about it. I used to love Christmas parties with them. That was the best. Get a secret santa, write a poem for them, give them a gift. Then we dropped the poems, and now we've dropped secret santa altogether and we're down to buying generic gifts for a gift exchange. So lame. And now I'm so excited for my plans for next week but I'm so sad, because it's already been a week since I got home and I do NOT want to go back to Edmonton. I don't like it there, I don't have a good group of friends, I hate missing things here, and I miss everybody so much. And I only have a week and a half left! -Boxing Day, nothing in particular except, apparently, a work day at home (meaning total cleanup of the house) and going shopping briefly for the aforementioned gift exchange game. -Sunday, church and immediate family party. -Monday, date with Fil -Tuesday, extended family party -Wednesday, hang out with Michelle -Thursday-Friday, sleepover with the girls at my house -Friday-Saturday, sleepover with a friend or with my younger sisters at my sister's house -Saturday, no clue -Sunday, last day of church at home?? -Monday/Tuesday, last minute seeing friends/hanging out with Daynika -Wednesday, go back to hated Edmonton. It's so scary that I can lay out the rest of my holiday like that and know that I can count the days until I go back to Edmonton faster than I could count the days before I came home. What a depressing way to end Christmas Day.

I. Am. Done.

DONE. LAST FINAL COMPLETE. 4 hours till Uncle Henk picks up Jackie and I 6.5 hours until my flight leaves 8 hours until it lands 9 hours (at most) before I'm actually in my house, with my fam. And all of it spent with Jackie, now, seeing as we're (accidentally) flying together and we're basically the only ones left in the Tower. Time to finish packing.

prayer

Lord, things seem to be falling apart at the worst time possible. Christmas is supposed to be a happy season where we celebrate the gift of Christ, where we get some time to spend with the people we love and we get to give gifts to them. And it's not even my problems. I'm doing great. School's almost over for the semester and I am five days away from sleeping in my own bed at home and hanging out with my best friends in all the world. I'm not going to worry about my friends, Lord. I can't worry, because there's nothing I can do. But I care about them so much. Please show them that you're there. They need it so much. I'm human, the most I can do is give them a hug, listen when they need to talk, give them a hand with the little things they need to get done. You can change everything. Next semester seems like it's going to be really hard - maybe Kwantlen will bring them together... Lord, you know exactly the three friends that need you so much right now. Carry them through Christmas and set them on their feet. Amen

birthdays all around

Wow it's been a few days. Finals. 1 down, 3 to go! Anyway. There have been five birthdays in the last 4 days, here and back home: Wednesday, Dec 9: Curtis H (16), Amber T (18) Friday, Dec 11: Mark H (18), Sharnelle K (19) Saturday, Dec 12: Fidelia L (15) So basically, it's been kind of crazy lately. Since Fil's the only one of these five who reads this blog though (or even knows it exists...) and cause it's her birthday TODAY: HAPPY BIRTHDAY FIL!!! =D ♥ See in you one week!!! Love you♥ (you already know you won't get your gift from me until later...maybe on our date!!! =)

Elisabeth! ♥

Trust me, your letter is on the way. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long. It’s been super hectic lately. Papers. I’m SURE you know what I’m talking about. If not, your school is too slack. So you’re out at Calvin and that’s wonderful, except the issue of you being even farther from BC than I am, as well as being in the States (not that it’s bad..just foreign =P) Don’t assimilate! =O To get to the point, I am soooo glad we’re friends. I miss our morning walks (and rants) and our jaunts to DQ to do “homework” during the choir class. I’m so glad you could trust me and you already know I trust you just as much =) Somehow, we’ll have to make Skype work... I can’t wait to see you (and your nose ring) and go skating and baking and movie watching and whatever else we’re planning (I honestly don’t remember...) Love you tons!

Without names, I don't know what to title these...I'm gonna have to start numbering too =S

Lately I feel...whacked out. I can't believe yesterday was only one day. Until this week, time was going by so fast. On Sunday, I wasted my entire day up until dinner with sleeping and watching movies. Sunday evening was great though - hung out with some people, got my hair straightened, got tons of Christmas music from people! SO GOOD. Go to bed. Monday, I went to 20 minutes of philosophy which were absolutely wasted except for him to tell us that having a philosophy degree is the same as having any other degree, unless you're planning on going into med school or something (where knowing a bit about bio is kind of important...) It was a hilarious 20 mins, and I got up on time, so I wasn't mad or anything. I don't even remember the rest of what I did except that i had a really good day (minus the hour of theo I had to endure and the beginning of the Druid issue). OH I had dinner with Paul, Wendell, Mark, Corin, and Jeremiah for once and even though they spent the entire time making fun of me, I actually had a good time at dinner for once. Yesterday...holy crap. It started off amazing - the LEVEL had free small hot chocolate so I went and got mine first thing in the morning (turns out you cross your name off the master list they have, so you can't go back like fifty times...that's okay though =P) and I got a croissant from the caf, yum. English was super fun (Perschon was hilarious...don't know where it was all coming from but that's okay) and history was tolerable (seeing as my class had a rebellion over the length of the final - 16 PAGES - and we spent 2/3 of the class on that argument and the course/teacher evaluations - I bet he was glad he distributed those before we talked about the final). After that, things kind of went downhill. The problem with the Druid (Irish pub downtown) got worse. Instead of planning for Saturday (WAY MORE PRACTICAL) they planned it for Friday night (WHEN PEOPLE HAVE WORK AND FINALS THE NEXT DAY). I can go either way but tons of people have finals so I argued back cause I'm sick of those girls thinking they're the only ones on the planet...I know it's Amber's birthday, but it's Mark's too and Saturday is even better for him! If she wants to make it to church on Sunday morning, DON'T GET WASTED. And Corin, who used to be good friends with them, can't make it on Friday - gee, that sucks, Corin. Sorry to hear that. BullCRAP. They ended up moving it to Saturday night instead but I'm sure Amber is at the very least frustrated if not full out angry with me, and I'm pretty sure the rest of them are too. But I can't stand it anymore. It's all or nothing with them. You're either for them or against them, be part of their group or don't. When they have a secret or bit of gossip, they act lke grade two kids. They pretend to be hammered at clubs when they really aren't. They can be fun, for sure, and I don't want to lump them all together (I love a couple of them to pieces and I can't understand how they actually fit in with the immature and holier-than-thou clique, but whatever)...but I guess it's like what we talked about in philosophy one day, that you can't break down social facts into bio or chem or physics, because the individual plus the individual doesn't equal the whole. It's like mob mentality. Whatever it is, it's pissing me off. Feeling like shit last night after venting to both Daynika and Denyse, I went on a Disney search. I got a couple of movies from Todd but I had to get my memory stick first, and when I went to my room to get it, guess who I could hear shrieking and giggling down the hall??? I went back up to Todd's room and got my movies, then wandered around for another half hour or so trying to see who else had them (and chatting a little along the way, like Anthony and Rach about their concert last night - WISH I'D GONE). It was like 12 or 12:30 by this point though so I didn't want to knock on doors. The worst part was that I couldn't even cry. Like I did, a little bit...but I'm just so dry. Few tears and then my eyes just hurt like mad. I watched two VeggieTales movies and went to bed at 3. Good thing Lauren was in Neerlandia last night. How could a day start off SO well and end SO badly? I want to go home.

Em ♥

You have the greatest sense of humour. You speak in such a matter of fact tone while saying something completely outrageous. You're a (hopeless?) romantic =D I can always tell immediately when you're in a content, thoughtful mood. I value your opinion probably more than you know. Life’s a snowcone, and it just sloshed all over my shirt. WOW I just realized that one of the guys here reminds me a lot of you. Same sense of humour. I think I creeped him out when I told him that though. Oh well. Here’s a poem for you. I don’t know if you’ll like it but I found it in that horrible book I had to read for history. It might be stupid. I don't know enough about poetry... Foolish cooper, stay your hammer In your hand, and become calmer What men do when they’re not wise May cost their master too high a price Let the peace join together What revenge will never tether On every side, man and beast Are in God’s hands, so pray for peace I love you so much. Don’t doubt yourself (you do it too much). I’ll see you super soon (11 days!!!!)

Nicole...other Nicole (but still JUST as great!!! <3)

I’m not in any math classes out here in cold cold Edmonton. I’m quite missing that time to spend with you. From grade 9 hair braiding to grade 12 gossiping. Haha. No, what I miss is San Fran and singing and doing our nails. You’re so bouncy and fun to be around. I miss your smile and “playing” guitar with you. OH. And passing notes in French!!! Haha! I don’t even know how I passed that class, honestly. Same as Nicole, I can’t wait to see you guys at Christmas. So stoked for skating and all that jazz. I love how we can talk about guys and stuff and it’s just like so fun. Except when it’s serious...but still. You’re always good for a laugh and some good music. HAHA I just thought of back in grade four when we called you Nicky. Or Nikki? Or however it would have been spelled. Anyway, love you TONS, I’ll see you soon!!!

Bekah!!!

I felt really bad so I decided finally to post yours. I was only kidding =( I haven't talked to you enough lately. I super miss you. You're sooooo much fun to hang out with. Spaghetti dinners! PS, defs watched the videos of jazz band on facebook and got a horrible longing to play with you guys. Awesome job on the sax solo in Jericho! =) You have the most interesting walk of anybody I know...I’m super glad we were in jazz band together last year (and that I got to TA your class). I can’t imagine any of last year without you. You’re in the most of my pictures on my wall, I think. You and Abbs. But considering we spent like the whole year together, it’s not surprising. ‘Specially cause San Fran takes up most of my wall =P I’m so stoked. 13 more days!!!! Love you!! ♥

Nicole!...Ensign!!!

So I’m super missing you lately because you don’t have msn or skype or facebook and you don’t check your email very often, and I don’t phone you cause it’s long distance (although my mom told me a while ago that I can phone friends – they’re paying for it – so I will phone you a couple times next semester =) I don’t even know if you’ll even see this... Pretty much every time I read a poem I think of you and Elisabeth and reading poems together in the library. I can’t wait to go skating with you guys at Christmas. You’re the people I can tell everything to and expect a good long story in return. You’re an amazing writer. You don’t sell yourself short on anything. Remember that story you told me about the Boy Scout with the cookies or chocolate or whatever it was? (don't ask me why I thought of that...) Even that, I think, had meaning to it, because you got a lesson out of it. If it had happened differently, what would you have noticed about it? Anyway whatever. I can’t wait for Christmas (and next summer I guess, since Christmas isn’t that long) to watch Scrubs and/or the Big Bang Theory with you =) And go skating and all that jazz. I love you so much and can’t wait to see you soon!

Bekah

I'm done all my assignments and all I have left is two days of class and finals. So time can speed up now. (this isn't yours. I just wanted to tease you)

Hiatus

Friggin love it. Crashing on the couch with a bunch of friends, my computer, a letter, a cup of white hot chocolate from the Level, and MUSIC ♥ And of course, some line dancing =)

Laur ♥

Every day I sit in class or in my room and almost always talk to you. You always make me laugh (whether with your stories of spilled drinks in SB or your secondhand stories of rolled Honda Civics ;) I've almost beat the game =P I love you and even though I'd miss you like crazy if you moved to like, Africa or stayed in Kelowna or whatever ;), I hope you find somewhere you'll love. Don't undervalue the friends you have at school. You friends from home might be moving away, but that doesn’t mean you have none left. And I know you’re almost 22, but you can still make new ones =) I LOVE having you for a sister and being so far from home, I appreciate you more and more. You’re hilarious, sweet, fun, and most of all so caring. I love you so much. PS. Congrats on the trail lighting practicum! You're putting in so much work and even if you aren't around for the results, everyone else will appreciate it so much!

Abbs

You have no idea how much I miss you. Whenever I look at my title for the blog, I think of you...dance like a fool =P And smiling, of course. You think you're doing so much wrong *cough*chem*cough* but you are just so good. You always listen and have something encouraging to say, and you don't let people get away with being dolts. You're not a very good host but that's okay cause I feel comfortable in your house anyway =) I'd trust you with anything. You’re annoyingly good at the trumpet (in other words, better than me haha). Can’t wait for the final concert so I can actually watch (and CHEER) for you guys! You’re strong and an amazing friend. An amazing friend with a taste for banana butt bread. Love you♥

Fil ♥

I freaking love your hugs. And I'm ridiculously jealous of your piano playing skills. Don't let life bring you down too much...cause then it's not life. (Remind me to tell you about the guy we learned about in philosophy...Nietzsche.) Make some hot chocolate and stick a mint teabag in it and curl up in a nice chair or on your bed with a good book (I'll be happy to supply you with one, if you like). Don't go on the computer, don't talk to me or anybody else, don't do homework for a while...just read. Pray, too. I recently rediscovered how important prayer is. Don’t let it fall away. Spend an afternoon with yourself, God, and a good book. You’re a sweetheart, a talented musician, a great hugger, you’re “in touch with your emotions” (even though I really don’t like that way of putting it, hence the quotes =P). Hope you catch the hidden meaning in there...You’re a tiny (relative to me, anyway =D) bundle of life that I miss so much every day. I love you! 17 days!

friends

I love my friends. I miss you guys like CRAZY. Can't wait to see you in 18 days!!!! There will be some of the greatest hugs ever. ♥

♥

Someday When I'm awfully low When the world is cold I will get a glow just thinking of you And the way you look Tonight. ♥

holes

When you fall in a hole you're supposed to try to climb OUT not let yourself drown in the water flooding in But sometimes I think you have to let yourself float on the water Stop fighting And let the water that was supposed to drown you carry you up.

when I don't get enough sleep

Some days you just have to cry. Frick I just scratched my freaking eye. How do you even do that? Once I got past this morning (waking up late, not being able to shower before philosophy, sore stomach), I felt awesome. Delia sent me some music I super wanted and did not expect to get and Abby just left a little sentiment on my facebook wall. It's funny how even though I was stressing about history and complaining about theo, my friends could make me feel so...settled. How they could get me through my whole day surrounded by a little cloud of...feeling loved, I guess. Anticipating the arrival of my grad dress, jeans, and other various necessities (and some not-so-necessary =P) made me a little more happy. Then I get to about 7 or so and just feel sick. I didn't go to the play - went to visit Matt at work instead. Felt good to get outside, not so good because I'm overtired and it just spent energy I didn't have. Watched Twilight (ewww). Come back to my room and it's invaded by roommate and friends. They left pretty quick because I asked them to but for some reason I'm still not asleep. Don't know what's wrong with me. I just want to cry. It's like, I still haven't cried. Just need to get rid of those tears. Except, I'm pretty sure that whatever's making me want to cry all the time isn't going to go away just like that. It's ongoing. I don't feel like I belong. I'm always overtired. I feel far from home. I don't know what I'm going to do next year. I'm afraid that this whole year will go by and leave me with no idea what I want to do. I'm scared. All I want to do lately is escape. Escape school, escape hard decisions, escape a society that expects me to do something "productive"...something that contributes. I hate history. More like shitstory. Time for bed.

How great is our God. How GREAT is our God.

20,000 Leagues

So I'm not exactly getting the most work done on my English paper...I'm wondering if I can use IMDB as a secondary source if I quote people's reviews. This movie is honestly killing me. It's THREE hours long, and I'm only at 2 hours 5 minutes. I'm worried that when I actually get to the writing of my paper, I'll write like the reviews I've been reading on IMDB. The only things they kept from the original novel are character names and the basic idea of a submarine with a captain who has cut himself off from reality. Arronax is an arrogant assistant professor, his manservant is replaced by a black man who he helped get onto the train to the Abraham Lincoln, Ned Land is an Australian villain whose entire role is overshadowed by the black helper, Nemo is a nutter, they've added women to the story...they had to be politically correct, of course. Yup, I'm dying. Oh look, Ned just escaped to some random island! That was easy. And Arronax lost his hand! It's like Star Wars! He even does the whole Darth Vader "let's choke everybody" thing, if only with his new metal hand instead of the Force. Ugh. This is supposed to take place in 1886... I hope i can finish this paper in...35 hours. Minus sleep, minus an hour of philosophy tomorrow morning, minus 2 hours of theo (blah). And eating. And being at Kevin's this afternoon. Yikes.

music to my ears

Lately, I can't get music out of my head. I can't even be in my room without some music playing. If Lauren goes to bed before me and I'm on my computer, I plug in my headphones. Working on a paper? Quiet background stuff. Talking to friends on msn and playing bubble games? crank the fun, upbeat stuff. If there's no music on, I sing. Michael Buble, Owl City, Carrie Underwood, David Archuleta, GOO GOO DOLLS, Sugarland, FM Static, Colbie Caillat, Rascal Flatts, Paramore, Taylor Swift, Stabilo. When I get up in the morning it's one of the first things I do. Sit up, get dressed, then open my computer and find some good music, plug in the speakers, and THEN I can make breakfast, brush my teeth, do my hair. Music is my life =P (I love Love Actually too) I have my favourites, of course...The Bird and the Worm, Fireflies, most of Play On, Slide, Better Days, Everything, Summer Girl...but I'm always looking for new stuff =) After all, it's the new stuff that always turns into my favourites and those old favourites become the songs that come up on your shuffle and you go, "Wow, this song! I haven't heard it in so long!" Those songs that remind you of other years, that make you reminisce. That's the great thing about music. You can ignore a song for years and then come back to it and it sounds exactly the same...but it tends to have a different meaning. When you were first obsessed with it, it was just a fun song. Now you listen to it and you might remember the first place you heard it, or that you always listened to it when you were feeling shitty, or that's what we listened to at the Ultimate tournament... So after leaving this open all day on my computer, I have one more thing to add: A Walk to Remember was harder to watch this time than the last.

focus

It's funny how little I know about prayer, yet in two days I'll be talking about it (however briefly) at 937 as if I know what I'm talking about. And the part that took the longest to get in there is one of my favourites: John 16:23 and 24 says, “In that day you will no longer ask me anything. I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.” Somebody might take that to mean that anything we ask for will be given to us. Like Larry in VeggieTales looking at the verse “With God, all things are possible,” (Matthew 19:26) and saying, “Oh great, cause I’ve always wanted to be a chicken! Do you think God would turn me into a chicken?” God can, but that doesn’t mean he will. God will always answer prayer, but it may be a “no,” or a “yes, but in time.” And I have yet to come up with a satisfactory conclusion for that thought... I've been sitting here working on this for days. No wonder prayer is constantly on my mind. But at this point I wonder sometimes if I'm not focusing too much on saying the words and forgetting the reason I do so.

Next week Wednesday I have to talk about prayer at Worship 937. I'm definitely getting pretty scared. I have so much that I want to talk about, but I don't know how to keep it condensed and yeah, I am worried about talking in front of my peers. I should probably get started on my actual writing for that. Ha. Next week I also have a philosophy paper due. I got that English extension though, yay! And how did I use my day off? Playing stupid games and going through pictures. I have about a hundred more to print now. I guess I did fold my laundry too...how productive. On Tuesday Lauren and I rearranged our room. It's sooo much better. Much more cozy, and as an added bonus we now have our TV and DVD player set up on my bookshelf and plugged in! On top of that, I finally put up the pictures I printed a while ago. I'm reprinting the ones I put on my computer's lid as those ones will probably be ruined soon. I figured they would be okay cause I was gonna get some macktack, but I couldn't find any when I went shopping. Sadly, I'm pretty sure I'll have to either redo it or just not bother with the pictures on the computer. It's funny how life can be so good at times like this. Even when there's crap going on. PS, if you haven't heard Carrie Underwood's new CD, Play On, you need to go check it out. I'm definitely loving it. Haha, yesterday Lauren and I had it on repeat and went through it probably five or six times. DEFINITELY loving Someday When I Stop Loving You, and What Can I Say. Although honestly the whole CD is awesome (with one exception...)

paper season

So I've now made it through the last of my midterms! Unfortunately, I have an English presentation tomorrow which honestly? I have no idea what I'm doing. Focusing on Atlantis means nothing if I can't apply it to the book (which I can't, seeing as I haven't really read it). And as soon as this presentation is over, it's time to move on to papers. I also have to talk at 937 next week - eek! I'm not ready for that. I have to prepare that for next Wednesday, write an English paper for Thursday (unless I get an extension), and write a philosophy paper for Friday. Then there's my history book review...haven't even started reading that book yet...and only 20 more days of classes! I'm so excited to go home for Christmas, but can't time just slow down for a bit?

decorating...

My wall in my dorm room is embarrassingly bare. I am in the process of compiling quotes, poems, Bible verses, and so on so that I can print them off and put them on my wall. I'm getting some pretty good stuff. -Verses that Abby wrote on my folder, which unfortunately are fading =( -Poems that Emily copied into letters, and poems that she wrote herself (or poems she combined) -"I want to be famous to shuffling men Who smile while crossing streets To sticky children in grocery lines Famous as the one who smiled back." -an MLIA or two -song lyrics -poems from Nicole -1 Timothy 6:17-19 I'm excited. When I get my pictures up (yes, I did print some. Unfortunately my sticky tac went "missing" and somebody is getting some more for me =P) I am going to leave spaces and I'm going to put my quotes, verses, lyrics, etc in the spaces. It might take me a while to get set up, but it'll be sweet when I'm done.

So I made a blog.

Mainly because it would be lovely if I could comment on my friends' and access my sister's, but also cause hey! I'm in university now. New chapter of my life, might as well start a new thing.

It's funny how I am so behind on emails and letters (and bananas), and I have a lot of homework just waiting to become stressful and yet I sit here on my computer playing Bubble Trouble and listening to music, reading books that aren't for my classes, and wandering around rez. And now starting a blog. I'm sure my time would be better used on homework and letters, but that's okay.

Yesterday was such a terrible day, and the weird thing is that I didn't even realize how much it sucked until I got to the evening. Then I had a cryfest, cranked the sad music (and of course had to find some more sad music because I didn't have enough on my computer) and gave myself a killer headache from the two. Add in Worship 937, where I got an ache in my lower back from standing for so long, and more music to add to the headache, and you get miserable me. Then, rather than going to bed early, I go and spend an hour in my friend's room talking about how awful everything is. And now today was quite a good day and yet I come across one picture of two friends and just about burst into tears.

Three things that I need right now:

Phone a couple friends

Go for a walk. That's a must.

Cry.

I love my friends.