grouse grind

So I did the Grouse Grind today. Started at around 7:25 with Curtis and Ryan. At first I tended to follow Curtis (who just motored up - if he didn't wait for us every once in a while he could have beat us by a half hour). This didn't work out though, since by the time we reached the quarter mark I was dizzy and didn't even think I could get to the top (this is what several nights of bad sleep does to you, not to mention going to a school where I could stay inside for eight months if I chose to and living off caf food the whole time). Anyway, it took us till 8:45 or 8:50 or so. I had a really hard time of it just because I was so off balance. It was slippery and muddy the farther we went, which made it so much harder because that's when I felt the most dizzy, off balance, and generally wiped out. It was really hard to pace myself too. I felt like just going like Curtis but I know if I did, I wouldn't have made it.

It made me really appreciate having an older brother though. I haven't really done stuff like this with Ryan before and I had a good time even though I was so exhausted. And after the time I stopped and freaked out cause I was so dizzy, he kept checking on me and making sure I'd make it up okay. I made him go ahead of me after a while because I knew he'd set a better (slower) pace for us, but when I almost lost my balance he said that was why he wanted to stay behind me, so if I fell at least he'd be there. Even though it would probably send us both tumbling down the mountain, I thought it was sweet. People always talk about how their older brothers protect them (and beat them up) and because of the age difference between me and Ryan I haven't noticed it overly much, except in how much he makes fun of me and teases me, but tonight I definitely did and I liked it.

Anyway, now I can say I've finally done the Grind. Even if I sucked at it.

happy birthday?

it's retarded how shitty you feel when everybody seems to forget your birthday. When your friend's mom remembers before she does. When your sister has to be reminded by her friend. When it gets lost in the chaos of sickness and cancer and life. The dumb thing is how entitled we feel to some kind of special acknowledgement on a day that isn't really any different from any other. Today was my birthday, but I'm only a day older than I was yesterday, same as yesterday I was only a day older than the day before. It's not like today was special in any way. Yesterday, Abby took me out for lunch, and tomorrow is when my family will have a birthday party for me. I'll celebrate with Heather and Allison in the fall sometime, since I won't see them until then. So honestly, today wasn't a special day and didn't need to be. It just sucks when people you thought cared about you don't seem to give a shit.

work! good work

I got a call this morning asking me to work 10-6:30. I turned it down, because I wanted to go to Nightshift. I didn't end up going to Nightshift, but I did have a very productive day anyway. And I gave up an extra $80, but I think my day was better spent here than it would have been at work.

I baked today. Brownies, cookies, and jello. I had to run to Save On for a few ingredients and for Miranda to pick up a snack for the party she went to. In between all the baking, I also drove to Fraser Heights to drop her off, and I drove Kelsey to and from piano. And between around 4:30/5 and 11pm, I began a purge of the kitchen (with my dad), starting with the pantry and the fridge freezer. These are two items on a long list of cupboards and drawers in the kitchen that I have vowed to clean out and organize. Between this project, and the basement, and my own room, it's going to be a really busy next few weeks.

The thing is, this is work I feel good about. I get paid to ring people's vegetables in a till at a market, and I see a lot of people I know and I enjoy talking to a lot of the people I see, but it's not as though it's a fulfilling job. Cleaning the kitchen - purging the kitchen - cleaning my room, and cleaning up the basement so I can have people over on Sunday makes me feel a lot better about my day than a day at work does. I see the result and it will benefit me every day as I work with everything in the kitchen that I'm cleaning up. If only I could get paid for cleaning my house.

Being home makes me want to be involved in everything I can't be involved in over the year. I want to take off time to help out with the carnival and VBS, go to Kelowna and Victoria, go on vacation to Port Townsend and Twin Lakes with my family, and do all the fun things that everybody is planning. Unfortunately, being dirt poor and it being super hard to find a job, I can't do everything because I need to take advantage of the money I can actually be making over the summer. This makes it hard to want to go back to Edmonton.

But then, when I get there I will be beyond excited to be back and see Heather and Allison, and to be doing something slightly more satisfying with my time than working shit jobs that are unfulfilling.

In the meantime, I'll do what I can, deal with what I can't, work and earn money to pay for all this education, and enjoy my couple more months at home.

babysitting

This morning I didn't feel like babysitting. I felt like I was stepping down into my middle and high school years again (even though high school was only last year).

And then I actually spent time with Phoebe, and I had a blast. Two hours this morning and two more this afternoon. She is ADORABLE. She has quite a scream when she gets excited (which happens pretty often) and she loves to sign for "water". And apparently she loves me. Definitely a good thing, cause then they'll ask me to come back =P They already did, actually - she wants me to watch Phoebe at the school tomorrow night before the concert so she can get all set up with the students and everything. This is if Brittany can't come. Still, it'd be pretty fun.

And tomorrow I'm going to watch Letters to Juliet with Catherine and then we'll probably hang out for a bit, and then I'll be coming back for the concert, and then on Friday...no plans. Sleep in.

What a good week.

long distance

I had a good chat with a friend today.

It's strange how disconnected I feel from everybody here. It's easy to see which friends are solid, dependable, long term friends and which friendships are the ones that fall apart with distance. At the same time, only a couple of the friends I've made at King's are those long term friends.

I don't want to lose any, from here or there.

But it's long distance now.

giving it up

I am learning to give myself up to God.

That's one thing I've always sucked at. It is so hard to relinquish control of your life.

No matter how little control you feel you have.